Teenagers at risk from Self-Harm

According to a local newspaper, More than one in 10 teenagers have deliberately hurt themselves at some point and girls are four times as likely as boys to self-harm, according to new research.

The Samaritans charity commissioned the first large-scale anonymous UK survey on self-harm among schoolchildren. It involved 6,000 pupils aged 15 and 16 in 41 schools across England and was carried out by the Centre for Suicide Research at Oxford University.

Some 13% of those who took part said they had deliberately self-harmed at some point and 7% said it was in the previous year. The majority (64%) of those who self-harmed said they had cut themselves. Girls were nearly four times more likely to deliberately self-harm than boys.

The problem was also more common among mixed race and white pupils than those from black and Asian backgrounds. The reasons most often given for self-harming were “to find relief from a terrible state of mind” or because they had “wanted to die”.

Contrary to popular opinion, few were trying to “frighten someone” or to “get attention”.
More than one in 10 teenagers have deliberately hurt themselves at some point and girls are four times as likely as boys to self-harm, according to new research.

The Samaritans charity commissioned the first large-scale anonymous UK survey on self-harm among schoolchildren. It involved 6,000 pupils aged 15 and 16 in 41 schools across England and was carried out by the Centre for Suicide Research at Oxford University.

Some 13% of those who took part said they had deliberately self-harmed at some point and 7% said it was in the previous year. The majority (64%) of those who self-harmed said they had cut themselves. Girls were nearly four times more likely to deliberately self-harm than boys.

The problem was also more common among mixed race and white pupils than those from black and Asian backgrounds.

The reasons most often given for self-harming were “to find relief from a terrible state of mind” or because they had “wanted to die”.

Contrary to popular opinion, few were trying to “frighten someone” or to “getThe survey also found that having friends who self-harmed increased the risk that someone would also hurt themselves.

The most common problems faced by the pupils related to schoolwork, followed by difficulties with parents or having friends who self-harmed. Those who hurt themselves were more likely to suffer anxiety, depression and have low self-esteem than others”.

The survey also found that having friends who self-harmed increased the risk that someone would also hurt themselves.

How to Stop Self Harming

Self-harm is when a person deliberately harms himself as a way of dealing with difficult feelings or overwhelming situations. Self-harm might make you feel better in the moment and help you cope for a short time.

But in the long term, it will probably make you feel worse and can put yourself in a dangerous situation. There is no magic solution to stop self-harming. Additionally, making changes is hard and it’s easy to resort back to old behaviors.

The process of recovery takes a while, so relapsing is possible. If you do, it’s important to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up. Just beginning the process of recovery is significant.

Taking Immediate Action to Stop Self-Harming

Find people to be around. If you are feeling the urge to self-harm, consider going somewhere to be around people. This could be as simple as going into the living room to be with your family or roommates. You might choose to go to a public place, like a coffee shop or a public park. Whatever you’re doing, wherever you are, decide to stop before you harm yourself. Make sure to surround yourself with people.

Call someone. If you’re alone in your house or are unable to leave, call someone to talk with. This could be a family member, trusted friend, or a hotline. Many hotlines are available featuring information for people struggling with self-harm, and resources for help.

• It is helpful to create a phone list of people you can call.
• Make sure these numbers are in your phone:
  • 1-800-273-TALK: This is a 24-hour crisis hotline if you’re about to self-harm or are in an emergency situation.
  • 1-800-334-HELP: This number is the Self Injury Foundation’s 24-hour national crisis line.
  • 1-800-DON’T-CUT: This number provides information about self-harm.
• You can even try talking to an inanimate object, a pet, a photograph, or a poster. These objects can give you somewhere to aim your voice and won’t judge you for your actions.

Get help if there is the risk of suicide. If you are thinking about suicide, get help immediately. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency response (call 911). The following are some signs to look for:

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill yourself.
• Looking for a way to kill yourself.
• Making statements about being hopeless.
• Talking about having no reason to live.

Draw on your body with a marker. If you find your thoughts continually drifting back to harming yourself, one alternative is to draw on your body with a marker. Draw on the place where you are thinking of harming yourself. Ink won’t leave a scar

Distract yourself. Distraction is a way to prevent self-harm once you feel the urge or stop self-harming once recognize you are self-harming. It is important to figure out what kinds of distractions work for you in each situation. Sometimes the trigger or urge is different depending on the feeling or situation, meaning that our response to prevent or stop harm is different too.

• Color your hair.
• Make a cup of tea.
• Count up to 500 or 1000.
• Work on a puzzle or mind game.
• Go “people watching.”
• Play a musical instrument.
• Watch TV or a movie.
• Paint your nails.
• Organize something like books, your closet, etc.
• Make origami to occupy your hands.
• Play a sport.
• Take a walk.
• Make your own dance routine.
• Do an art project or color in a picture.

Wait it out. Delaying self-harm once you feel the urge is another way to break the self-harm cycle. Start with waiting just 10 minutes. See if the urge passes. If you still feel the urge to self-harm, wait another 10 minutes.

Give yourself reminders about your actions. If you are faced with the urge to self-harm, talk to yourself. Give yourself reminders about the choices that you have.

• Tell yourself that you don’t want scars.
• Remember that you don’t have to hurt yourself just because you’re thinking about self-harm.
• Repeat to yourself, “I don’t deserve to be hurt,” even if you don’t believe it.
• Remember that you always have the choice not to cut. It’s up to you what you do.

Remove self-harming tools from your house. 

Remove anything you use to self-harm from your house. Knives, lighters, and whatever else you use – even the hidden things – need to be thrown out.

• Just throwing stuff in the garbage might not be enough. Make sure you do not have access to them even in the trash can. Give it up to someone else to dispose of them for good.
• You could even have a symbolic “funeral” for your harmful objects, burning them, throwing them away, or burying them. Say out loud: “I don’t need you anymore.”

Understanding What Triggers Your Self-Harming Urges

Understand different forms of self-harm. There are many forms of self-harm. Self-harm can vary from physically harming yourself (cutting) to placing yourself in risky or dangerous situations (driving under the influence of substances), or neglecting your own needs (not taking prescribed medication).

• Self-harm can be with or without intent of suicide.
• Additionally, self-harm might be a symptom of another issue such as depression, anxiety, or other psychological disorder.

Understand that self-harm is an addictive behavior. The act of self-harm has been found to be an addictive behavior. When you or someone you know self-harms, it releases the “feel-good” chemical in the brain called endorphins.

It is hard to change the cycle of self-harm especially while trying to find an alternative that releases the same “feel good” chemical. It might take some trial and error to find the right solution or combination of solutions that work for you.

• Some people self-harm to feel something when feeling numb, and some reasons include a response to trauma or other issues like anxiety and depression.
• Identifying triggers is one of the first steps for healing yourself. If the underlying triggers and causes are not addressed, the need for coping will remain.

Changing Negative Thought Patterns

Acknowledge your thoughts. To understand the thought patterns that lead you to self-harm, you first need to acknowledge your thoughts. Your thought process is a habit that you have. To break the habit of thinking negative thoughts, you need to become aware of these thoughts.

Write in a journal. One tool to help understand your triggers and thought patterns is journaling. Writing down your feelings will help identify patterns that lead to self-harm. Also, journaling provides an outlet to share your feelings and process your thoughts.

• Write down when you feel the urge to self-harm, or when you actually do harm yourself. Try to write down the situation, thought, feeling or emotion that you experienced. You may have also experienced physical sensations such as energy, tightening of the stomach, or other actions. Write down what happened just before the self-harming.
• Journaling might reveal that you are experiencing certain situations that create the urge to self-harm. Some of these situations might be: problems with peers (including bullying or cyber-bullying), pressure at school, feeling socially isolated, abuse, confusion around sexuality, or issues in your family.
• The goal is to become aware of your thoughts and not passively acting on negative thoughts that lead to self-harming behaviors

Assess your thought process.

The next step in combating negative thinking is to assess your thought process. Are your thoughts true? Look at your thought record and assess what similar situation you were in, did you learn anything and what were the long-term consequences? Did you handle any situations differently? 

• A good way to assess negative thoughts is to look for words like “should,” “ought,” or “must.” These types of statements are usually negative and critical of yourself.
• Ask a friend or trusted family member if you are unsure if thoughts are true.

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Do Your Research

France is a perennially popular tourist destination with beautiful and varied countryside, plenty of space, and a rich gastronomic heritage. If you’ve ever considered buying a holiday home in France you should do plenty of research and be prepared to commit the time and effort required to find the perfect place.

Do Your research. France is a beautiful country with varied landscapes and climates and lots of possibilities to buy holiday homes. Perhaps you want to live near the beach in the south of France, or near the Alps or Pyrenees mountains, or the great open expanses of the Massif Central. A holiday home is a major financial commitment and something that can give you a lot of pleasure, so take your time to explore the country and find out where you like best.

• Think about the local culture, especially the food and drink.
• Also consider the more practical things like transport links and affordability.
• Try to keep an open mind and see what places you feel most at home in.

Rent holiday homes first. 

Once you have come up with a few towns or areas that you like most in France, it’s sensible to rent a holiday home to get a feel for what it would be like to stay there. You might fall in love with a place if you just spend a night or two there, but spending a week or longer will give you a better idea of the daily life and culture.

• You might discover that in practice it’s just too far from the sea, or the local wine isn’t to your liking.
• Try to talk to people in the area and get a feel for what it would be like to have a holiday home there.
• Try to visit at the time of year that you would envisage spending in your holiday home.
• This way you will get a good idea of the local climate and how busy or quiet it gets at different times of the year.

Read up on property market trends. You should spend some time researching property market trends in the different regions of France, as part of your research. Determine which areas are on an upwards curve, and which are on a downwards curve. Depending on your budget and your intentions, this information might help you to focus your search more closely.

1. If you are looking to buy as an investment you might favour somewhere where the market is buoyant.
2. If you are looking for a cheaper option to enjoy without thinking too much about a potential drop in value, a region with falling prices might be a more appealing option.
3. You can access up-to-date quarterly figures for each area online.

Choosing Your Holiday Home

Determine your budget. Spend some time coming up with a firm budget before you start looking too closely at different property options. Your budget should not just cover the price of the property, but also any likely renovations, as well as all the fees and taxes that you will have to pay. Prices vary widely, but it is possible to get a village cottage or terrace for around €100,000. A one or two bedroom apartment in a small town may be available for €50,000.

• A larger house with multiple bedrooms and a swimming pool will cost upwards of €200,000.
• An apartment in a less popular ski-resort could be available for €150,000.
• You may find a run-down old rural cottage for as little as €25,000, but the renovation costs are likely to eat into your budget.
• Make a list – After you have selected the area you would like to focus on, and have a clear idea about your budget, it’s time to draw up some criteria to work from.
• There are all sorts of thing you could include on your criteria, and it will depend on what you are looking for from your holiday home.

Top Priorities

• Accessibility: determine what kind of public transport links you will require. Is there a convenient airport? Is there a train station with good connections?
• Amenities: think about what local shopping and entertainment options there are. Will you have to drive everywhere, or are there things within walking distance?
• Climate: do you want someone hot, or milder in the summer?
• Community: are you looking to live amongst expats, or do you want to immerse yourself in the local culture? Speaking French and getting involved in local cultural activities will really help you feel at home.
• Crime: is there a high rate of burglaries in the area? Think about the risks if you’re going to be away from the property a lot. Making friends with neighbours who can keep an eye on everything can be a big help.
• Parking: if you are looking for a place in town, is there adequate space to park your rental car on the street or in a garage?

Are You making the Pieces Fit?

Drawing up some criteria will help you and whoever you are buying with come up with shared ideas about what your holiday home will be. It’s important that you communicate clearly and everyone has a common vision. If you want a house in the country, but your husband wants a city-centre apartment, you will have to work on a compromise.

Make a long list. Look through brochures and websites to build up a long list of properties you might be interested in. Doing this will help you get an idea of average prices in the area you are looking at, without you needing to be on the ground. It’s important to be thorough at this stage to make your actual viewings as efficient as possible.

Some of the best places to look for property in France include:

• Newspapers and magazines: if you are in France, national and local newspapers will have extensive property sections. There are specialist weekly property newspapers in France to look through. General property and retail magazines in your home country will also have listings.
• The internet: the internet is the easiest and most efficient way to access the vast arrays of properties for sale in France. Look for specialist websites and the sites of French real estate agents.
• Property exhibitions: keep an eye out for property exhibitions being held near you. Often developers will hold events showcasing the properties they have available.

Make a shortlist

Whittle down your list to a more manageable number before you plan a trip over to France to view the properties. Time will be tight if you have lots of place you want to look at, so you will have to be fairly firm when you are making your shortlist. Think about which properties meet the most of your criteria and work best within your budget.

• Build a consensus amongst everybody involved and make sure there is something for everyone.
• Don’t rush these decisions, and bear in mind that it might all change again once you actually go to view the properties.

Book Viewing Appointments

Book appointments through internet agents before you go if you have limited time to view. Agents can arrange for you to see the properties from the books of several agents immobiliers, (French estate agents) in one short visit. If you have more time, it makes sense to go visit the agents immobiliers individually as otherwise you will be restricted to the limited number of agents immobiliers that the Internet agent has an arrangement with.

• French Estate agents’ offices are now so common in France that you will find them even in some of the smallest towns.
• As the purchaser, you will normally have to pay their fees but they are often included in the asking price.
• If they are included, the price should have the letters F.A.I. attached, (Frais d’Agence Inclus).

View the properties. You should always try to view each property you are considering yourself, and preferably at least twice. Keep in mind that photographs can trick the eye, so it’s important that you see it for yourself and are able to actually walk around the property. Think about the location in relation to local amenities, and how easy it is to get to. Drive there yourself, and consider the surroundings as well as the property itself.

• Is the area more busy and built-up than you would like, or is it too remote and quiet?
• Are there busy and loud roads within earshot?
• Can you easily walk to local shops, or will you need to drive?
• Is there plenty of light and sun, and how private is any outdoor space?

Decision Time

Now it’s time to actually decide which property you want to go for. Talk it through with everybody and come to an agreement. Try to find a balance between what everybody is looking for and what properties meet most of your criteria. If you are uncertain, try to visit the properties again and make sure you have all the information you need. Before you make an offer, you should be able to answer the following questions:

• When was it built?
• Has it been used as a holiday home or a permanent home?
• How long have the owners lived there, and why are they selling?
• How long has it been on the market?
• Does it require any work or renovations?
• What is the neighbourhood like?
• What are the local property taxes?
• How realistic is the asking price?

Hire a Property Lawyer

Employ a chartered building surveyor if you require a survey. The French do not generally have a tradition of having surveys done when purchasing a house, but you can engage a chartered building surveyor to give you a report on the condition of the property. If you don’t speak French, there are some British surveyors working in France, type chartered building surveyors France into any search engine for a selection.

• Be wary of businesses who are not chartered building surveyors, such as those that are chartered valuation surveyors may appear as ‘sponsored links’.

Understand the role of the notaire. The legal aspects of the house purchase are handled by a notaire. He or she is a state employee, responsible to the government for the correct transfer of ownership and collection of associated fees and taxes. The vendor will certainly have their own notaire, but you should always appoint one to act on your behalf.

• The fees do not change, and the two notaires will split the work and the fee, so there is no reason at all not to have two notaires involved.
• As with the agent immobilier, the purchaser normally has to pay the notaire’s fees.
• Keep in mind that, although you are paying their fees, neither the agent immobilier nor the notaire are working for you or exclusively representing your interests.
• Notaire fees will typically be around 7-9% of the purchase price of the property.

Negotiate on price. 

In most instances, sellers are prepared to negotiate on price. If the property is a little above your budget, don’t be put off from putting in a lower offer to start with. As with any negotiation, it helps to have as much information and understanding as possible. For example, if you know that the property has been on the market for a long time and prices in the area have been on a downward trend, this will strengthen your position.

• Don’t expect big reductions, however. On average prices tend to come down by not more than 3% in negotiations.
• Ask your agent for advice on how much to offer, but understand that she may not be able to suggest a price is she is working for the vendor too.

Make an offer. Once you have a price, make an offer to the vendor. In France, if you make an offer with clear main terms, and the vendor accepts, a contractual commitment is considered to have arisen. You may then also be asked to make a formal written offer. Always ensure that your offer is conditional on a formal sale and purchase contract being prepared.

• A deposit should never be asked for or paid at the time an offer is made. This should only happen once sale and purchase contract has been agreed and signed.

Familiarise yourself with your rights under the French system. After signing the initial contract, the compromis de vente for instance, you as the purchaser have a seven-day cooling off period during which you can change your mind and withdraw your offer, unless you are considered to be investing in property as a business. You should also ensure that there are clauses in the compromis de vente that will dissolve the contract in case of problems.

• Visit the property on the way to the notaire’s office to check that nothing has changed before you sign the final contract, (acte de vente).
• The acte de vente states that the property is sold as it exists on the day of the signing

Download the free pdf booklet – Living in France

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The kids have gone and you have retired from work. You’ve done the hard part: spent a lifetime getting out of bed and going to work,taken care of your family, and saved up for a nice, long retirement.

But what exactly do you do to fill all your hard earned free time? Boredom and depression are some common reactions people have to retirement, where there seems to be so much time and so little to do. Fight off restlessness by focusing on recreational activities or volunteer work to keep busy.

Make a list of  Recreational Activities

1. Write your memoirs, this could be in the form of letters to your living relatives, or journal entries every day. Recording your past experiences and adventures will allow you to share these moments with loved ones and relay life lessons to others.
2. Start by recording your memories in a journal or writing letters to a specific family member, such as your children or grandchildren.
3. Try to write a little every day to get into the habit of writing down your thoughts and memories. You could also take a memoir writing class at your local college or university. Many university level classes are free or discounted for seniors.
4. Read your way through a book list. Maybe you have an ongoing list of books you’ve been keeping all these years for when you have the time to delve into them.
5. Head to your local library and work your way through a book list, whether it’s a personal one you have been keeping, or a comprehensive book list of Western classics,the top thrillers and mysteries non-fiction must read , or great sci-fi books.

You can also choose a specific genre or topic that you are interested in and focus on reading as much about a topic as possible. For example, World War II historical fiction, or wood working. Ordering books online is easier than ever now through Amazon or Indigo.

Simply googling the title or author of the book, look for it online, and order it for fast and cheap shipping straight to your door. Books on tape, or audio books, are also a good option if you prefer resting your eyes and listening to a good book read by a professional actor or voice artist.

Learn a new language.

Exercising your brain by learning a new language will keep your mental facilities sharp and clear. Try a computer based language program like Rosetta Stone or Duolingo. There are also over 48 languages, from Spanish to French to Chinese, that you can learn online for free through courses you can download and complete at your own pace.

• If you are looking for a reason to get out of the house, sign up for a language class where you do in person activities and practice sessions to improve your conversation skills.

Do a weekly Physical Activity. 

My wife and I are keen fans of  keeping fit. Staying active is another important way to stay busy during retirement. A physical activity like tennis, golfing, swimming, or jogging, done once a week, can keep you healthy and grounded. If you’re looking to meet other people or socialize, go for team activities or sports.

• Look for master classes set up for older or senior participants. Sign up for a senior specific class to allow you to meet other people and socialize.
• You can also sign up for lessons or classes to improve your serve or your breaststroke. These classes will also help you meet other people who may be interested in the same hobbies or activities as you.

Join a Club. 

My wife and I keen fans of  keeping  fit. Look for clubs that may appeal to your interests or hobbies, such as a bridge club, a senior women’s or men’s recreational club, a golf club, or a church club. Check the club listings online in your area or the postings on the community board in your local coffee shop or grocery store.

Feel the Fear and do it Anyway

At the age of  sixty seven, I graduated with a degree in Sociology / Political Science and German. It was the best decision I ever made. I promised myself that one day I would achieve my dream.

Focus on a hobby that you would like to improve on, like learning how to crochet more complicated patterns or carve more difficult wood sculptures. Look for classes at your local community center or college. You can also attempt to learn a completely new skill and use your free time to explore a skill you’ve always wanted to try.

Many universities and colleges have lifelong learning programs for seniors, where you pay very little or nothing at all to take adult learning classes. You can also make new friends in a learning environment.

Take up a Cookery Course.

I consider myself to be a good cook. I have been experimenting with cooking for over thirty years. I would love to go on a pastry course in France. I have that on my to do list. If you have never been confident in the kitchen or are looking for ways to expand your recipe repertoire, choose a cookbook and work your way through it one recipe at a time. YouTube has excellent videos on how to prepare any dish.

• This could be a cookbook that focuses on a certain style of eating, like a vegetarian or gluten free diet, or a region of cooking, like Thai food or Polish food. You could also tackle a food bible, like Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking, and learn how to properly braise meat or make a delicious sauce.
• Once you feel you have mastered a recipe, use your friends or family as guinea pigs and invite them over for a big meal, or have a potluck where everyone cooks something.

Trace Your Family Tree. 

If no one in your family has put together a family tree or a record of your family’s ancestry, use your retirement time to do this. Conduct research and contact immediate and distant family members to put together a comprehensive tree of all of your family’s connections.

• You can also use online tools like ancestry.com or My Family Tree to help you with your research. When you’re done, make a decorative image of the tree to give to your family members or scrapbook the family tree so it will be preserved and cherished for posterity.

Plan a Trip. 

If you have access to a car or an RV and enjoy a long drive, map out a route around your city or area. Or choose a destination on the map close to your home and look for a scenic route or a route with natural wonders or man made oddities (the world’s largest paper clip?) along the way.

• Going on a road trip will introduce you to new sights and people, and fill your time with new experiences. Having access to an RV will allow you to take longer trips, to farther destinations, in comfort.

Travel overseas or to another country. Maybe you have relative you’ve been meaning to visit across the pond or in another country. Or perhaps you have always wanted to see Michelangelo’s sculptures in Florence, or the pyramids in Egypt. Plan a trip to see the great wonders of the world, solo, or with a friend or family member.

• There are many flight deals available online, especially if you have the time to travel off season or during a less popular time. Do a web search for package trips, which usually include airfare, accommodations, and guided tours and activities.

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Developing Your Childs Potential

Every parent would like to think they have raised an Einstein or a  Mozart in the family. They have already decided their children’s future. I too had plans and ambitions for my children. Today they have chosen their own career paths and are extremely happy in what they are doing.

We as Parents share a Universal Dream that our children will lead happy successful lives as adults. We lay moral foundations but most important of all we should build on LIFE SKILLS which play an important role in their lives and their children’s lives.We sow seeds of encouragement, hope, positivity in their tiny subconscious minds hoping that it will one day germinate into mature confident minds. We only have them for a short while before they find their own voice in the world.

My recipe for a well-balanced Child 

Instill Love and  Confidence at Every Opportunity Love your child unconditionally it gives them a sense of self-worth which has nothing to do with physical looks or talent. Love them for who they are not what they are.

 Confidence 

• Put a belief system in place for your children so they can deal with success and failure in equal measure.
• Encourage them to develop confidence in their own abilities, praise and encouragement is highly recommended.
• Refrain from using the word Can’t in your vocabulary. 
• Show them that it’s okay to fail  but reinforce the word “You can do it if You try again”

 Imagination

Children have a marvelous imagination, sadly they lose it as they get older. Some view it as an airy fairy pie in the sky dream – Thank God for dreamers like the Wright Brothers who invented flying or the pioneers in the medical field.

Christian Barnard who performed the first heart transplant in South Africa. What we see today in this marvelous modern world of science and technology, is a result of a few determined individuals who faced ridicule.They were not afraid to dream and imagine that they could make a difference to the world.

The world is full of role models who were courageous and who experienced obstacles. They overcame them through self-belief and determination. To name a few we had Edison, Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi, Hellen Keller Mother Theresa, Oprah and Edith Cavell an English nurse who nursed the enemy and  British soldiers. She meticulously planned their escape until she was caught and shot. Introduce inspiring books to your children’s library it will rub off and influence their thinking eventually.

Nelson Mandela 

 My role model is Nelson Mandela a South African activist and former president. Nelson Mandela helped bring an end to apartheid and has been a global advocate for human rights. [….].  His actions landed him in prison for nearly three decades and made him the face of the anti-apartheid movement both within his country and internationally.

Released in 1990, he participated in the eradication of apartheid and in 1994 became the first black president of South Africa, forming a multiethnic government to oversee the country’s transition.

After retiring from politics in 1999, he remained a devoted champion for peace and social justice in his own nation and around the world until his death in 2013 at the age of 95.His legacy lives on through his foundation for children.

Developing a tough exterior

You have all heard the expression  “When the going gets Tough the Tough gets going”.  Life never runs smooth and we learn how to overcome obstacles. I think I have my grandmother to thank for my resilience.

She taught me how to overcome obstacles, face my demons and keep on trying even if I failed. It’s important to support and encourage your children when they are facing adversity. They will, in turn, learn how to deal with life’s situations.

Building Self-Esteem in Children 

It’s important to build children’s self-esteem from a very early age in order for them to be able to deal with strong emotions and develop positive relationships. An expert gives practical advice on how to boost your child’s confidence.

Discipline

 Personally speaking as a Dad I drilled my kids and was told later by my eldest son that I was a strict Dad. My wife and I have no regrets as my teenage children made healthy choices and decisions which they still continue to do in their adult life.

According to  Amy Morin, LCSW, who states that the overall goal of your discipline strategies should be for your child to learn self-discipline. Kids with self-discipline are able to make healthy choices even when their parents aren’t standing over their shoulder telling them what to do.

Children who develop self-discipline are more likely to live happier lives, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality. Research indicates that people who have self-discipline experience less conflict and less emotional distress in life.

Self-discipline is one of the six life skills your child should be learning through your discipline practices. There are several areas in life where kids should develop self-discipline in order to grow up to become healthy, responsible adults.

Developing a healthy work ethic

I  encouraged all my teenage children to have part-time jobs during the school holidays. The money they earned they spent wisely on items they wanted and still managed to save. This has taught them the value of money and how to use money wisely.

What other Life skills can You Teach Your Children?

There is no perfect parenting guidebook we rely on how we were brought up by our parents or watched our relatives or neighbours nurture their own children. Before I wrap up this post let me add by saying that any life skill you can pass on to child, share it with them.  It will equip them when they are older and they have to deal with life’s’ situations.

Enroll your child in a public speaking course or a drama class to give them confidence in speaking in public or dealing with people in authority. I enrolled in a weekend workshop in London as my job involved dealing with the public.

It was the best investment in myself. I could handle clients without getting flustered which raised my level of self-esteem and made my job enjoyable.

Children develop a phobia of public speaking and become reticent when dealing with the public in later life. So many children grow up in this massive fear of public speaking, they don’t want to get up in front of a crowd because they are scared of speaking in public. Make that difference with your children and raise happy confident children.

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Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte

If children live with criticism,
They learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,
They learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule,
They learn to be shy.
If children live with shame,
They learn to feel guilty.

          If children live with encouragement,
They learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance,
They learn to be patient.
If children live with praise,
They learn to appreciate.
If children live with acceptance,
They learn to love.

          If children live with approval,
They learn to like themselves.
If children live with honesty,
They learn truthfulness.
If children live with security,
They learn to have faith in themselves and others.
If children live with friendliness,
They learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

          Copyright © 1972/1975 by Dorothy Law Nolte

          Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
          This is the author-approved short version.

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What is Sibling Rivalry?

Sibling rivalry can occur in children, teenagers, and adults. Sibling rivalry can create a lot of conflict in your home or personal life. It can foster negative feelings that can damage relationships between siblings, so it is a good idea to do what you can to avoid sibling rivalry. It can also lead to bullying or victimisation 

If you are a parent, make sure you treat both of your kids as individuals. If you introduce a new baby, there are things you can do to make sure the adjustment period goes smoothly. If you are an adult and feel in competition with a sibling, there are ways to work on smoothing things over. Learn to let go of jealousy and appreciate your sibling’s unique talents.

How to Prevent Sibling Rivalry in Children

Treat your children as individuals. At a certain point, children want to feel separate from their siblings. They will develop their own interests, skills, and talents to develop their sense of self. Encourage this by treating each of your children as an individual. This will help your child form a healthy identity separate from his or her sibling.

• Do not respond differently to children’s interests or successes. At times, this can be tough. You may share an interest with one child that you do not share with the other. However, give each child’s interests equal attention.
• Avoid any behavior that could make it look as if you’re playing favorites. Maybe your son Mason plays football, while your daughter Jacqueline plays hockey. You don’t understand the rules of hockey as well as football, and this could make you look more interested in Mason’s activities. Try to make an effort to learn about hockey so you can nurture Jacqueline’s individuality.

Avoid comparisons. Never compare one child to another. This is likely to foster a sense of rivalry. Even in moments of frustration, do not compare your kids.

• Your children may have different abilities. One child may excel at math, while another excels at science. Avoid comparing your child’s abilities. Praise each child equally for his or her unique skills.
• Always keep the focus on your child when praising him or her for skills. Never bring up the other child.
• To help your children see how you want them to behave, try pointing to adults as models of good behavior instead of older siblings. For example, you might say to your child, “See how dad always says please and thank you when he needs something? That’s important to do. Always say please and thank you to be polite.”

Help your resolve conflicts children. You do not want to intervene in a way that makes it look like you’re taking sides. Never say one child was right and the other was wrong. Instead, try to help your children resolve conflicts.

• Instead, encourage your children to compromise. Try to find win-win negotiations. For example, say things like, “Mason, don’t you think Charlie deserves a turn? If you let him play with your Legos, maybe he’ll share his stuffed animals with you.”
• If your children start picking on one another, remind them to express their feelings respectfully. Help your children identify what they’re feeling before they act.
• Never engage with arguments like, “He started it.” Respond with something like, “Regardless of who started it, you two need to work this out.”

Intervene when necessary. You cannot let every argument or dispute get worked out between your children, however. At times, you will need to intervene. When appropriate, break up disputes.

• Dangerous fights require intervention. If your children are hurting one another, separate them immediately. If one child is engaging in abusive and bullying behaviors, this needs to be addressed.
• You should also talk to each child privately. Neither child should be scolded or reprimanded in front of the other, as this can fuel rivalry. Pull the child who was the aggressor aside and tell him why his behavior was unacceptable. You should also talk to the other child, in private, and explain he was treated inappropriately. Encourage him to talk to you if it happens again in the future.
• If one child is always the aggressor in the situation, talk to a therapist. You may need to get the aggressive child into counseling to prevent abuse and bullying.

Listen to each child. One-on-one attention is very important to each child. It’s normal for siblings to feel frustrated with one another, and you need to let your children vent such frustrations. Listen objectively, however, with the goal of offering solutions rather than stirring up conflict.

• Let your child tell you about any insecurities or frustrations he or she has with his or her sibling. Your child should be able to vent negative feelings to you.
• Acknowledge you understand your child’s feelings without explicitly agreeing. Encourage your child to talk out his or her issues with the other sibling. If you want, you could host regular family meetings where you discuss any problems disrupting your family’s harmony.

Encourage cooperation. Building a culture of helping between family members can help to promote cooperation over competition. You can encourage cooperation among your children by acknowledging cooperative behavior, thanking them, or by praising them when they are helping each other.

• For example, you might say something like, “Jon! You are being so helpful with your sister! You must love her so much! I’m proud of you.” Or, you might say, “Oh my goodness! You two are such little helpers, everyone gets a hug!”
• You can also try playing cooperative games with your children to help them get along. These are games where you do not compete against each other. Instead, you work together to win the game as a team. For example, you can teach your kids to play musical chairs with hula hoops, but as you remove hoops, encourage your kids to share the remaining hoops rather than excluding one of them from the game.

Dealing with Sibling Rivalry as an Adult

Consider the roots of your rivalry. If you feel competitive with a sibling, there may be a reason for this. Think about when and why the rivalry began. Understanding its roots may help you see how it’s irrational.

• Did something happen early in childhood that made the two of you competitive? Did your parents seem to favor one sibling over the other? Did you two compete in the same field professionally?
• Think about who your sibling his outside his or her relationship with you. Try to view your sibling more as a person than a potential threat. This can help you empathize with your sibling more, lessening any feelings of competitiveness. You may realize that, for years, you were not seeing your sibling as a person, but a rival. Try to think about when this mentality began.

Take the initiative to smooth things over. Sibling rivalry can cause familial tension. If there has been damage done between you and a sibling, someone needs to take the initiative to smooth things over.

• Try to repair the relationship. Something as simple as a phone call can help open up communication again. Let your sibling know you’ve been thinking of him or her and would like to get together.
• Being the bigger person is sometimes difficult. You may feel like you deserve an apology, or that your sibling should have to make the first move. Try to let go of these feelings. Your sibling may not even know you’re feeling the way you are, so don’t be too bitter to reach out.

Learn to respect and admire your sibling’s talents. Jealousy can come from a sense of inadequacy. Instead of coveting your siblings talents, try to foster feelings of respect and admiration.

• Recognize when you’re feeling jealous. If your sibling, say, accomplishes something, it’s okay to pause and acknowledge you’re feeling some jealousy. You can accept your feelings without acting on them in a negative way.
• Congratulate your sibling for his or her accomplishment. Then, examine why it made you feel jealous. For example, maybe your sibling landed his or her dream job. You’ve been working a so-so job for awhile, and haven’t been applying elsewhere. Maybe this is more about you underperforming than your sibling.

Consider your sibling’s perspective. 

Sibling rivalry is often more mutual than it feels. While you may feel everything came easy for your sibling, or that he or she had an unfair advantage, stop and consider your sibling’s perspective.

• Ask your sibling how he or she felt about your childhood. Try to see some of the issues through his or her eyes.
• Maybe you were always envious your sibling got more attention as a kid. However, your sibling may have felt a lot of unfair pressure to perform growing up. He or she may have envied your freedom.

Talk to your child about the new baby.

Your child may be jealous of a new infant. You can help the transition go smoothly by talking to your child about the new baby in the months before your due date.

• Have your child help prepare for the baby. Have him or her help set up the nursery, pick out names, and get toys for the baby. This will make your child see him or herself as a nurturer. He or she may be less threatened by the baby’s arrival.
• Make sure you explain the baby will not be a playmate right away. Make sure your child knows the baby will eat, sleep, and cry for most of the day at first, but eventually your child will become friends with the baby.

Make a smooth introduction. You want to make sure the first meeting goes over well. Right from the get-go, you want your child to feel safe and happy with the new baby.

• Have your partner of a loved one bring the child into the delivery room. Have someone else hold the baby as you cuddle your child. This will prevent feelings of jealousy.
• You can give your current child a gift from the baby. For example, give your child a shirt that says “big brother” or “big sister.”

Help with the transition. A smooth transition can help prevent tension and rivalry. When the baby comes home, make sure to introduce the baby into your home as smoothly as possible.

• Children younger than 2 may not really understand what it means to have a new baby. Allow them to see the baby, and show them pictures and storybooks about babies.
• Older children, between the ages of 2 and 4, may be jealous of the baby. If this is an issue, help the child get involved with the baby. Foster feelings of support by having your older children come shopping with you for baby toys and supplies.
• School-age children may also be jealous, but can better understand a baby’s needs. Explain to them why a newborn needs so much care, and let them know the benefits of being a big brother or sister.
• All children, regardless of age, should still get individual attention after a baby is born. This will lessen feelings of rivalry.

Deal with an older sibling acting out. Children may act out to get attention after a baby is born. If your child is acting out, ask him or her if something is wrong. Encourage open communication so your child can talk to you if he or she feels upset.

• Ask your child how he or she feels having a new sibling. Listen to the responses, and reassure your child that he or she is still cared for.
• You can also praise your child for behaving well. You want your child to see he or she gets attention for behaving rather than acting out.

Encourage an older child to be kind to a new baby. You want your child to feel loving and protective of the new baby. Tell your child about appropriate behavior around the baby and allow him or her help with the baby’s care.

• Allow your child to watch or help when you feed or change the baby.
• Praise your child for showing the baby affection, such as singing to the baby.
• Acknowledgement Paul Chernyak, LPC –  Licensed Professional Counselor

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