Archives for April 2017

Wedding guest on our Wedding Day London 1980 

My wedding ceremony was plain and simple with no frills or bows. I had basically no money to treat my wife to a traditional wedding. It was a registry office wedding followed by thirty guests who turned up with food. Magical yes! memorable ? always. I had some Indian friends who were dressed in beautiful colorful saris. They made our day so special. Three months later we got married in a Catholic church in London another beautiful memory.

Have you ever wondered how other brides and bridegrooms celebrate their wedding day in different parts of the world?. I have compiled a few wedding customs by country. The wedding traditions of each country were absolutely beautiful and the wedding apparel so colourful, symbolic  and so special for the couples.

African Wedding Custom

Ethiopian Wedding Custom

The Wedding procedure starts with the groom’s side sending elders (Shimagle) who then request a union between the parties. The elders discuss a dowry and verify that the intended bride and groom are not relatives by checking their lineage a minimum of seven generations. After a dowry is agreed upon and it has been determined that there is no relationship between the intended bride and groom, the wedding is announced and the families begin preparations for a church/mosque ceremony and a mels/melsi ceremony.

On the wedding day the groom and groomsmen get ready at the groom’s house early in the morning and proceed to the bride’s parents house to begin the wedding ceremonies. At the bride’s parent’s house, the bride gets ready and is seated awaiting the groom’s arrival. As the groom and his wedding party arrive, the bride’s family and friends ceremonially block the entrance to the house.

The groomsmen have to either serenade or bribe their way into the house so that the groom can take the bride with him. Additionally, the best man holds perfume and sprays it everywhere inside the bride’s family house. After this ceremony, the groom retrieves his bride and they along with a procession go to a church/mosque to take their wedding vows.

After the religious ceremony, the wedding procession moves to a park/garden where lunch is served to guests. Afterward, the wedding party typically takes pictures while guests make their way to the reception. At the reception, depending on the family’s ethnic group there are several traditional dances performed.

Ethiopian weddings typically serve Ethiopian food and live music and the party typically goes on into the early morning. To close the wedding ceremony, elders are seated at the exit of the venue and the bride and groom along with the wedding party bow and kiss the knees of the elders as they exit the venue. This is typically the conclusion the first day of a typical Ethiopian wedding.

During the mels/i ceremony is dependent on the ethnic heritage of the family but it is typically smaller than the first ceremony and a time for close friends and family to spend some time with each other and continue to celebrate the newly married couple.

Nigerian Wedding Custom

Generally, there are three types of weddings in Nigeria: traditional weddings, church weddings, and court weddings. The civil marriage takes place at a registry, and then the religious ceremony follows. Finally, it’s the traditional Nigerian wedding ceremony. Many couples choose to do all three, depending on their financial situation. Nigerian weddings are normally characterized by lots of colours.

In traditional weddings, customs vary slightly from one part of Nigeria to the other. In Western parts, it is called the engagement ceremony. Officials and elders sip wine while they invite the couple in for introductions and negotiations, and presentation of the bride price which consists mainly of gifts of shoes, textiles, jewelry and bags.
In Eastern parts of the country, it is very much the same. Elders from both families retreat into an inner room to negotiate on the bride price. When concluded, the gifts are then presented to the bride’s family. After this, the bride, along with her entourage of girls is presented to the husband, family, and guests.

Arab wedding Custom

Arabic weddings have changed greatly in the past 100 years. Original traditional Arabic weddings are supposed to be very similar to modern-day Bedouin weddings and rural weddings, and they are in some cases unique from one region to another, even within the same country. it must be mentioned that what some people today call “Bedouin” wedding is, in fact, the original true traditional Arab Islamic wedding without foreign influence.

The marriage process usually starts with meetings between the couple’s families and ends with the wedding’s consummation (leilat al-dokhla). For a wedding to be considered Islamic, the bride and groom must both consent, and the groom is welcomed into the bride’s house—although only in the presence of her parents to maintain purity between both sides.

Given the diversity of Arab people, most are Muslim and some Christian and other faiths. The most common events that are held in the Muslim marriage include variations of the following: a marriage proposal, engagement, henna, nikah, registration, reception, walima, and honeymoon. The only Islamic requirement is to hold the nikah and walima. Other events are cultural additions and registration is usually a legal requirement.[….].

Persian Wedding Custom

Iranian wedding or Persian wedding traditions go back to the ancient Zoroastrian tradition, despite their local and regional variations (for example Iranian Azerbaijan region). Though the concepts and theory of the marriage have been changed drastically by Islamic traditions, the actual ceremonies have remained more or less the same as they were originally in the ancient Iranian culture.

Although Iran is multi-ethnic country, Iranian wedding traditions are observed by the majority of ethnic groups in Iran and neighbouring countries and regions such as Republic of Azerbaijan, Turkey, and Iraqi Kurdistan.

European Wedding Custom

The Western custom of a bride wearing a white wedding dress came to symbolise purity, not virginity, in the Victorian era. Within the “white wedding” tradition, a white dress and veil is not considered appropriate in the second or subsequent wedding of a widow or divorcee. The specific conventions of Western weddings, largely from a Protestant and Catholic viewpoint, are discussed at “white wedding”.

A wedding is often followed or accompanied by a wedding reception, which in some areas may be known as the ‘Wedding Breakfast’, at which an elaborate wedding cake is served. Western traditions include toasting the couple, the newlyweds having the first dance, and cutting the cake. A bride may throw her bouquet to the assembled group of all unmarried women in attendance, with folklore suggesting the person who catches it will be the next to wed. A fairly recent equivalent has the groom throwing the bride’s garter to the assembled unmarried men; the man who catches it is supposedly the next to wed.

Indian Wedding Custom

 Indian weddings take anywhere from five minutes to several days, depending on region, religion, and a variety of other factors. Due to the diversity of Indian culture, the wedding style, ceremony, and rituals may vary greatly amongst various states, regions, religions and castes. In certain regions, it is quite common that during the traditional wedding days, there would be a tilak ceremony (where the groom is anointed on his forehead), a ceremony for adorning the bride’s hand and feet with henna (called mehendi) accompanied by Ladies’ Sangeet (music and dance), and many other pre-wedding ceremonies.

Another important ceremony followed in certain areas is the “Haldi” program where the bride and the groom are anointed with turmeric paste. All of the close relatives make sure that they have anointed the couple with turmeric. In certain regions, on the day of the wedding proper, the Bridegroom, his friends and relatives come singing and dancing to the wedding site in a procession called baraat, and then the religious rituals take place to solemnize the wedding, according to the religion of the couple. While the groom may wear traditional Sherwani or dhoti or Western suit, or some other local costume, his face, in certain regions, is usually veiled with a mini-curtain of flowers called sehra.

In certain regions, the bride (Hindu or Muslim) always wears red clothes, never white because white symbolizes widowhood in Indian culture. In Southern and Eastern states the bride usually wears a Sari, but in northern and central states the preferred garment is a decorated Red skirt-blouse and veil called lehenga. After the solemnization of marriage, the bride departs with her husband. This is a very sad event for the bride’s relatives because traditionally she is supposed to permanently “break-off” her relations with her blood relatives to join her husband’s family.

Among Christians in the state of Kerala, the bridegroom departs with the bride’s family. The wedding may be followed by a “reception” by the groom’s parents at the groom’s place. While gifts and money to the couple are commonly given, the traditional dowry from the bride’s parents to the couple is now officially forbidden by law.

Chinese Wedding Custom

Traditional Chinese marriage is a ceremonial ritual within Chinese societies that involve a marriage established by pre-arrangement between families. Within the traditional Chinese culture, romantic love was allowed, and monogamy was the norm for most ordinary citizens. A band of musicians with gongs and double-reed instruments accompanies the bridal parade to the groom’s home.

Similar music is also played at the wedding banquet. Depending on the region from which the bride hails, Chinese weddings will have different traditions such as the Tea Ceremony or the use of a wedding emcee. Also, in modern times, Chinese couples will often go to photo studios to take “glamour shots,” posing in multiple gowns and various backgrounds.

Most regional Chinese wedding rituals follow the main Chinese wedding traditions, although some rituals are particular to the peoples of the southern China region. In most southern Chinese weddings, the bride price is based on the groom’s economic status. The idea of “selling the daughter” or bride is not a phrase that is used often. Therefore, the price of the bride does not tend to be too demanding. Most of the time, the bride price is in the form of gold jewellery, fine fabric, money, or even a roast pig, which symbolizes that the bride is a virgin. Wedding presents are given by elderly couples or couples that are older than the newlyweds, while tea is served by the younger family members.

Japanese Wedding Custom

Japanese customs fall into two categories: traditional Shinto ceremonies, and modern Western-style ceremonies. In either case, the couple must first be legally married by filing for marriage at their local government office, and the official documentation must be produced in order for the ceremony to be held.

Traditional customs

Before ever getting married there are two types of mate selection that may occur with the couple: (1) miai, or an arranged marriage and (2) ren ai, or a love match.^[17] The Japanese bride-to-be may be painted pure white from head to toe, visibly declaring her maiden status to the gods. Two choices of headgear exist. One, the watabōshi, is a white hood; the other, called the tsunokakushi, serves to hide the bride’s ‘horns of jealousy.’ It also symbolizes the bride’s intention to become a gentle and obedient wif

Traditional Japanese wedding customs (shinzen shiki) involve an elaborate ceremony held at a Shinto shrine. Japanese weddings are being increasingly extravagant with all the elaborate details placed into thought. However, in some cases, younger generations choose to abandon the formal ways by having a “no host party” for a wedding.^[18]In this situation, the guests include mainly of the couple’s friends who pay an attendance fee.[……].

By the time the candle service is done the two hours restriction will soon expire. The remaining few minutes includes short speeches, songs, dances, etc. As the reception ends a flower presentation ceremony will take place, which is where the newlyweds will present their parents with a gift of flowers to display appreciation for their parents raising them to the people they are today. At this point, the reception has ended with quick flashes and farewells.

References: Wedding customs by country

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Wedding traditions around the world

How to Handle Jealousy

Jealousy can ruin your peace and end relationships; it can also be a signal to you that it’s time to make a change. Rather than letting jealousy infect your relationship with others, use its appearance as a reason to better understand yourself. If you are having to deal with the jealousy of others, draw clear boundaries and protect yourself. (Read my blog  How to cope with a Divorce)

If you’re feeling jealous, try to find the root cause of that emotion. Are you angry, afraid, or insecure? Focus on the reason for you jealousy, and practice trusting the people around you. Express your emotions with “I” statements, and apologize for your jealousy. If you’re handling someone else’s jealousy, draw boundaries and express when the person needs to step back. Don’t be afraid to seek help or talk to a friend.

Handling Your Own Jealousy

• • Understand the emotion of jealousy. Jealousy is a complex emotion that can include many others: fear, loss, anger, envy, sorrow, betrayal, inadequacy, and humiliation.If you are feeling jealous, understand that there are many other emotions that can occur with jealousy, but jealousy might be the emotion you notice first.
  • Spend time thinking through your emotions.Write out how you feel. If you are a visual person, make a chart or a drawing that represents all the different emotions you feel and their connection to jealousy.Notice the way your body is registering your emotions. Fear sometimes feels like a dropping or clutching sensation in your chest and stomach, while anger often manifests itself as a burning, tight sensation in your head and arms.
  • Tackle your feelings. Learn to question your jealousy every time that it emerges. For example, say to yourself: “Is this jealousy because I feel afraid or angry? Why am I feeling fear or anger here?” When you begin to question what makes you jealous in the moment, you can begin to take positive steps to manage the feelings constructively, without the cloud of negative emotion that typically accompanies jealousy.

Get to the root of your jealousy.

It can be hard to admit that you are having negative feelings, and it might be tempting to blame them on another. Avoid this by taking a compassionate look at your own jealousy. Look at all the emotions you feel within your jealousy, and think about a cause for each of them.

For instance, if you feel jealous of your partner’s friend, think of all the ways those emotions might fit in a sentence. You might feel fear because you don’t want to lose your partner (and perhaps because you have lost a partner in the past), sorrow at the thought of the loss, a sense of betrayal because you feel your partner owes you full attention, and a sense of inadequacy because you aren’t sure you’re worthy of love.

Write down memories that may have aggravated these feelings. For instance, you may feel fear at losing your partner because your last breakup was really painful, and you’re frightened of going through a similar experience. You may feel unworthy of love because you had a neglectful parent.

Choose to believe.

Trust the people you love. Choose trust over distrust. Unless you have hard evidence that someone lies to you, trust. Do not go snooping for evidence, but take your loved one at his or her word. Jealousy can hurt your relationship only if you bury it and blame your feelings on others.

Apologize and explain: Say something like: “I’m sorry for bothering you about your friendship with J. It’s not that I don’t trust you—I was just feeling insecure. Thank for listening to me.” This will often be sufficient to give both of you the space to discuss what has just taken place––recognition of your insecurities and the need to be more open together about what you’re going through.

Open up about your jealousy. 

Sharing your true feelings with your friend or partner can help you build a stronger relationship. It will also empower him or her to point out when you make unreasonable jealous demands. Though it can be vulnerable to admit to feelings of jealousy, a relationship built on honesty is going to be stronger than one built of subterfuge.

• • Avoid passing on blame to the other person. He or she did not cause your feelings, and you alone are responsible for your behavior.
  • Stick to “I” statements rather than saying anything that smacks of “you make me feel…” Instead of saying, “You shouldn’t have done that,” say, “I feel terrible when we’re in a public space and I can’t communicate how I feel to you.”
  • Be aware that how you perceive situations may be completely at odds with how the other person saw them. Commit to listening when your partner speaks, even if you disagree.
  • Get help. If you have physically harmed, yelled at, berated, or stalked your partner, separate yourself from them immediately and get professional help. Ask your doctor for a referral to see a therapist or take an anger management class

Learn the difference between love and jealousy.

Jealousy is not love and feeling jealousy does not mean that you are in love. Some people mistake jealousy as an act of love, when it’s really an act of insecurity and/or a lack of control. People who get jealous tend to be insecure and have feelings of shame as well.

Draw boundaries with a jealous partner or friend. If your partner is acting out due to jealousy, draw lines. Do not answer questions you are not comfortable answering. Do not cancel plans with your friends, or cut off contact with someone who matters to you.

• Gently and firmly explain: “I will answer your questions, but only once. I will not give you the same answer over and over.”
• “I will listen to how you feel, but I will not isolate myself from the people I love.”
• “If you throw things or yell, I will leave the house and spend the night at my parents’ house.”
• “If you do not tell me how you feel, but you sulk or give me the silent treatment, I will tell you how that makes me feel and then I will leave the house until you call me.”

Don’t accept abuse.

1. 1. 1. Do not assume responsibility for things you did not do. It may be easier to apologize and blame yourself when you are blamed for another’s behavior. However, you know your own motivations.
      2. Don’t let anyone convince you into believing that you were flirting when you weren’t flirting, or that you “provoked” jealousy and subsequent bad behavior.Listen calmly to your partner if he or she can use “I” statements, but do not subject yourself to a barrage of accusations.
      3. If your partner physically restrains you, hurts you, or breaks things, leave him or her.Get help. If you feel in any way threatened by a partner or other person who is jealous of you, get away from them if you can. Jealousy is the leading cause of spousal murders, and is a typical component of spousal battery.Get out of the house if your partner is physically aggressive, and call 911 or a domestic abuse hotline.

         

         Dealing With a Jealous Spouse – Case study  Dr Phil 

         October 29, 2002

         Valerie and Danny, who’ve been married for six years, say they have a great marriage — except for one issue. He gets so jealous and controlling that he doesn’t even let his wife go to the bathroom by herself! He gets aggravated if she goes out without him, and pulls the silent treatment if she’s too friendly with someone on the supermarket line.
         “I just don’t trust other people … I know how men can be,” says Danny. “My biggest fear is that she would cheat on me for someone more interesting.”
         This is how out-of-control his wife says things have gotten. He’ll send her cards, for example, that practically read: “Happy Birthday … I hope you never cheat on me.”
         Valerie, who’s never had an affair or misled her husband in any way, is “fed up with it,” and turns to Dr. Phil for help in making her husband more secure and trustful — before it destroys their marriage.
         Here’s what Dr. Phil has to say:
         Advice For Danny:

         • • • • • If you’re concerned that you’re not interesting enough for her, why are you working onher instead of you? How does following her to the bathroom make you more interesting? It doesn’t! It just makes you more present. This is not about your wife. This is about you.
                 • Why are you so obsessed with this? Danny says it’s that he’s seen so many marriages destroyed by infidelity. He’s disgusted by it, and believes being unfaithful is wrong. “But why are you dragging that into your marriage?” asks Dr. Phil.
                 • How dumb would you feel if you spent 50 years of your marriage worrying that she’s going to cheat on you? And then it never happens? You’re missing out on enjoying each other.
                 • Do you really think you could watch her enough to keep her from cheating on you? No way. Why try to control something you can’t? First off, you have no indication that she’s predisposed in such a way. And you can’t stop her if she’s going to. All you can do is react if she does. And she told you she won’t.
                 • You are addicted to the payoff of testing your partner. You’re so relieved when she passes the test, when you get that reassurance. It gives you a little bit of peace for a short period of time, and you’re addicted to it like a drug.
                 • The only way you’ll ever get peace is if you come to the realization that you can’t control others.

         Advice For Valerie:

         • • • • • If he’s addicted to that payoff like a drug, then you’re the drug dealer. Stop giving him the reassurance. Don’t let him follow you or control you. Don’t pay him off in that way anymore. The only way you can help him is to stop reinforcing him when he does it.

         Advice For the Couple:

         • • • • • Relationships require emotional integrity. Be honest and own what you’re saying and what you’re doing.
                 • Don’t only talk about this issue when you’re fighting. You need to discuss it when the waters are calm.

Read my blog here – How to Rebuild a Marriage